Single-Parent Strategies

Ask any parent and you will hear about the many challenges of raising happy kids. For single parents, the challenge of creating a peaceful environment can be made more difficult by the need to transition between two households. For those single parents who hear “No!” when it’s time to go to Mommy’s house (or Daddy’s house), child development experts Jerry Wyckoff, Ph.D and Barbara C. Unell offer helpful strategies.

According to Wyckoff and Unell, authors of “Getting Your Child from ‘No’ to ‘Yes,’” (Meadowbrook Press), “Kids want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. In fact, it is developmentally appropriate for them to behave this way.”

Single parents often receive defiance when it’s time leave one household for another. Tension builds when a child is forced to abruptly alter his or her own “agenda” (to play and be happy) to go to the other parent’s house.

Unell says it is important to keep in mind the reason that parents hear so much of the word “no.” She says, “Kids like consistency and predictability. Therefore, they say ‘no’ in order to avoid the unknown, to avoid change, to avoid failure and to avoid the loss of control.”

Wyckoff says, “The key to helping your child cooperate is to remember this important equation: ability plus motivation equals performance. Human beings of all ages must not only be physically and intellectually able to do what they’re asked, they must be willing to do it.” The task that parents face is to give children the ability to do what they’re asked to do, and then inspire the willingness to do it.

In order to address the challenges of facing “no” situations during custody transitions, Wyckoff and Unell recommend positive self-talk, empathetic speech and a few other helpful hints.

The bottom line is to avoid unhealthy competition. Instead of telling yourself, “Isn’t it great that my child likes my home better?” tell yourself, “Although I’m more comfortable when my child is with me, I know it’s important for her to spend time with her dad (or mom).” Keep a positive attitude about your child’s time with his or her other parent, and encourage his or her comfort with the other parent by modeling supportive behavior.

Speaking in a positive, caring manner can help to make a smooth transition between homes. Don’t belittle your child or your child’s other parent. Instead, reinforce a loving environment by saying, “Yes, you can stay here on Wednesday, but today is Monday, your day to go to your daddy’s (or mommy’s). He (or she) is looking forward to spending time with you.”

Post a schedule to show your child when she’s supposed to go to her other parent’s home, or give her periodic verbal reminders.