Courage

I was walking the streets of New York City. It was a lonely time of my life. I walked for hours trying to understand my place in this world. I came upon a man who was worse off than I. He rested in a cardboard box with newspapers as his sheets. Why did I feel compelled to walk over to him? It was simple. A flicking light from a building above shined on him and his cardboard box. It was night. That was the only light that shined on him for anyone to see he existed.

I tapped on his cardboard box and asked, “Would you like something to eat? Are you cold? Would you like the coat I am wearing? I have others.” Just as he reached out his hand for help, a man rushed behind me with a gun to my face asking me for money. I honestly didn't have any. I was a classy woman who was one paycheck away from living in a cardboard box. The man in the cardboard box jumped out and tried to wrestle the gun out of the gunman’s hand.

Free from the struggle, the man with the gun took two steps back. He held up his gun aiming it right to the heart of the man in the cardboard box. Everything happened so slowly. I jumped in between the barrel of the gun and the man in the cardboard box and shouted, "NO!"...

BANG! BANG...Down I went, hitting the ground, like it was a hard day’s work. All I remember was that a smile formed upon my face. I saved his life because he needed a chance to live. This couldn’t be a way for him to die. He reached out for help. Me…I was a walking zombie. I was already dead. At least he was happy in his cardboard box, until I came along. I knew it was the end of my pain for living.

I had no goals and no prospects. I worked to get by, but it meant nothing by the end of the day. I knew at one time what it felt like to be loved and to be in love. I knew my daughter would be fine. She has a great support system around her; a loving father, an extended family that would reach out to her and a great potential for lasting friendships. She has a bank account that would be ready for her when the time came. I created that. After all she's only five years old.

My life? I had none. My lack of motivation and goals sent me into a life of living silence. I was not what you called a "type A" person. I was one of the many who had no opinions or arguments on anything. I was a lost soul roaming the earth. My marriage was suffering. I stopped enjoying sex. I often wondered about another type of life that might bring everlasting love despite my woes. Money was always a worry because I didn't know how to make it, nor did my husband. But if I had extra money or loose change, into my daughter's account it went. Friendships? Where were they? They were never around when I needed one.

A God whom I spoke to time and time again for answers, never spoke back to me. My life was over. Finally, the pain stopped...Did it…I was sent upward.

My soul, who I was, was sent upward past the clouds. It felt like I was going to another planet. Finally, I stopped moving and landed on an empty space. I asked, "Is this Heaven? Am I home at last?" A non-bellowing voice said, "No, this is just a place for you to rest until it is time."

"It was my time to go. I jumped in front of a bullet to save a man's life. Doesn't that mean I get to go to heaven? I want to be an angel and watch over my daughter. Didn't I earn my wings for that act?" I shouted.

"That was an act of courage. Courage is a character I hadn’t seen in you for a long time. It takes three acts of courage to earn one feather. Life can be long if you live well. You will stay here in this empty space for 50 years because that is when it is your time to go."

"But what do I do here for 50 years in the meantime?" I shouted.

"Just rest and wait just as you have been doing on earth. You will get use to it. You didn't create a life for yourself there, so why should it be different now?” said the voice.

The same dark cloud that fell upon my head when I was living on earth came across the surface of this space. There was nothing. I laid my head down on the surface and finally became what I feared; the man in the cardboard box. I lost everything. I was empty...But wait...a voice, "Mommy, Mommy I'm finished!" I remembered that voice and those words. My daughter would say that when she was done using the bathroom. She wanted me to check that she cleaned herself well.

"Mommy, Mommy I'm finished," she said again. Always without hesitation, I'd get up and run to the bathroom to check on her. But this time..."I can't come, I can't come." I cried. I can't, but I will! She needed me. I always came when she called. I stood up. I couldn't look around because it was too dark. The only thing I did was to hold my arms out as far as I could to knock down anything that was in my way. I ran. On my last step, my foot lifted off the surface. I was ready to jump.

I was hoping I would not come back down to the surface. I didn't! I jumped and down I went. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. Would God be mad at me for jumping off a place he put me? I was falling into the unknown. I cried on my way down. A voice said, "All you had to do was jump! Just as you jumped in to save a man's life. You have to jump to save your life. This is courage # 2. Have faith and believe that when you land you will be safe. I'm always here to carry you and lift you. You will never be without a place to go.

Always remember to listen to the voice that speaks within you. The Earth is a very busy place. Take time to listen. Look around you for signs. Everything is planned. Nothing is a mistake. There are souls waiting to be born, but there is much work to do first. You are an angel on Earth that has fallen asleep..."

As I fell, I looked back at where I had been. The surface was no longer there. I realized it was a place that I created that disappeared. A tiny stream of sound followed in my ear and whispered, "WAKE UP!"

I opened my eyes. Surrounding me in the dark, with one beam of light from a doorway, were shadows of bodies fast asleep. A voice from the beam of light shouted, "Mommy, Mommy I'm finished!" I tried to move, but wires and tubes restrained me. A groaning sound came from my mouth. "Hhggh, Shas shinhhed!"

When I realized my hands were free, I snatched out the things from my mouth and shouted, "SHE'S FINISHED, SHE'S FINISHED!" The shadowed bodies began moving and in one motion they shouted, "SHE'S ALIVE!" Each person woke up those that were still sleeping. The lights came on. All I could say was, "She's finished." I pointed to the lighted doorway. My husband went for her in the bathroom. I checked around the room with my eyes opening slowly like a newborn’s. I saw friends I didn't know were friends, family I hadn't seen in years; my mother, my stepfathers and my biological father? (Whom I hadn't seen in 16 years)…my siblings, my friends and finally my little girl.

My daughter came to my bedside and said, "Mommy, I cleaned myself properly." "Yes, you did." I said. The doctor went over to my mother and my husband and said." It's a miracle. She's not supposed to be here!" I said," Yes, I am supposed to be here." That's courage # 3.